Can't We Skip This Holiday?

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

During our early years of marriage, I could never understand why my husband and I always seemed to get into a fight on Christmas.  Looking back, I realize a couple things.  First of all, I had totally unrealistic expectations.  Let’s just say I had watched too many Hallmark movies!  Second of all, my husband’s dad chose to abandon his family during the Christmas season when he was only 16 years old.  It took some much needed growing up on my part to fully grasp the significance of that and to express the appropriate compassion. 

We have been married now almost twenty-two years and we get a kick out of some of our early flubs and missteps.  The holiday thing was great preparation, though, because holidays are potential traps for foster and adoptive families.  Don’t get me wrong, I love all of them….the significance, the decorations, the celebrations and let’s not forget the meals and treats.

For foster or adopted kids, holidays often hold painful memories or reminders of what they have lost.  Celebrations can be overwhelming for anxious children and too much stimulation can send a child “over the edge.”  Well meaning parents get frustrated when a child seems ungrateful or acts out on such a special day.  The toxic combo of all of this (and more) can make a family just want to skip it.

Last weekend was Mother’s Day, perhaps one of the biggies when it comes to challenging a family like ours.  As our kids try to celebrate us, they undoubtedly are thinking of another one they know as “mom.”  A fellow adoptive mom and I committed to praying for one another’s families throughout the day on Sunday.  The simple shift from a place of expectation to a perspective of compassion, made all the difference in my attitude.  Our day wasn’t perfect, but there were some perfect moments of love and affection that I will treasure in my heart, because I know what it has cost them.

So, let’s commit not to skip any holidays.  There’s way too many hidden treasures to discover in the messy journey of creating family memories.