Discerning God’s Will by Kristin Orphan

Discerning God’s Will by Kristin Orphan

Often I have conversations with families who are trying to understand what God is asking them to do.  The journey of foster care and adoption is full of twists and turns.  We may be heading down one path and then a door closes and we are faced with either stopping or taking a turn.  As believers, we desire to be obedient to God’s calling on our life, but how do we know what that calling is?

1 - Determining God’s will through his Word:  Anything that aligns with the precepts and commandments in his Word is his will for us - like the fruit of the spirit, or generosity, honesty, grace, tithing and forgiveness when others hurt us.  These things may not be easy, but we know it is his will, because his Word is clear on these points.  We always go to his Word first.  Anything we think or feel or desire that contradicts his Word and his character as described in his Word - we can be certain is not his will for us.  

2 - Those times when God places a strong passion, desire OR calling in our hearts: The things we do big and small that align with his Word and our calling to represent Christ on this earth AND are specific to the gifts and desires he gives us.  Like hospitality, singing on the worship team, organizing a food drive, etc. Again, these actions may require sacrifice or cause discomfort, but we are confident that he is directing our path and providing opportunities, because they are clearly a reflection of who God made us to be and we cannot imagine our life without it.  In these situations, we still ask God to open and close doors according to his plan.

3 - When God disrupts our plans and even our desires and asks us to do something that either doesn’t make practical sense OR we simply do not want to do it: We see several examples in scripture of this. Jonah, whom God called to go to the Ninevites and tell them to repent so he could save them, hated the people and absolutely had no desire to be a part of their redemption.  Joseph had every right to divorce Mary quietly when she told him she was pregnant.  It took a visit from an Angel to redirect Joseph’s path.  Also, when Jesus stopped Paul on the road and disrupted his pursuit to persecute Christians and called him instead to preach the good news to the Gentiles.  Even Jesus himself prayed that God would deliver him from the cross, but said, “but not my will, yours be done."  In these examples, God was VERY clear. He left no doubt in his will.  I believe we can look back at these examples and know that when God calls us out of our comfort zone, life plan and even beyond our personal gifts and desires, He will be faithful to be very clear with us. He loves us and does not want to confuse us. In these times, we pray continually, search his Word, wait patiently and trust that his Spirit is alive and actively working on our behalf.  He will show us what obedience looks like.  

It becomes even more challenging when working through these decisions in a marriage and family, because the husband and wife can experience different emotions and desires.  Once again, we have to come back to the faithfulness of our God.  His will does not hurt one to help another.  So, we trust that he’ll bring us along ultimately to a place of agreement and unity when we humbly offer our desires to him and pray, “but not my will, yours be done."  We wait patiently for clarity, then we take action and trust God to equip us for his calling

Different Worlds, One Family by Kristin Orphan

Different Worlds, One Family by Kristin Orphan

When you say “football,” a very different image comes to mind depending on who you are.  What about the term vet?  What do you think of? You may have thought of a veterinarian or someone who served in a war.

It really depends on your perspective and where you came from.  What do you think or feel when you hear the term “forever family.” Consider a foster or adopted child who just joined your family.  What might they think when they hear that same term?

We each view life from a unique lens.

We often think of culture in terms of ethnicity or country of origin.  This is a key influencer and very important part of our identities.  Culture also refers to other influential social factors.

Culture is a term used by social scientists for the way people live.  It includes art, beliefs, customs, institutions, inventions, language, technology and values. 

People learn a culture by growing up in a particular family and community.  Culture includes all areas of life and every person has a culture.  Each aspect of a culture is developed by people, overtime and in response to needs and stress.  (Family Wellness).

When you welcome a child or youth home from a different family of origin, really no matter the age, they bring with themselves the different aspects of the culture they were born in and raised in up to this point. 

Sooner or later these aspects will emerge and create tension in the family.  Ultimately, I believe that differences can produce strength and enrich a family.  This takes time and work in bringing together different worlds into one family.

As foster adoptive parents, we all come with expectations, world-views and hopes.  It is perfectly natural.  It is also very important that we examine the origin and purpose of those expectations.

Expectations and cultural perspectives are powerful.  We are the only ones who can identify what our expectations truly are, and look for ways of either satisfying them or learning to let them go. 

The first step in this process is to be aware of who we are and where we are coming from: our culture.  Having perspective on the origin of our values and expectations is a crucial element in being a confident individual who can relate to another person in a respectful, healthy way.

What do we think is the right way of doing something?   Why do we respond the way we do to certain situations or comments? What are the core values that are informing these strong opinions? 

Human beings are complex, dynamic creatures.  We are influenced by our DNA, environment, and experiences.

What seems typical and normal to one person may be foreign and strange to another. 

Food and language are just two examples of characteristics that may define our culture.  I’m not only referring to different ethnic languages, like French or Spanish, but also what we consider acceptable language.

My son is going to the University of Alabama in the fall.  He will be expected to say, “yes, sir and yes, ma’am” when addressing his elders.  Try that in New York or California and most people are going to think you’re being sarcastic. 

What about the words, “I love you?”  Some people say them very easily and often.  Like, “Bye mom, love you.”  Others may be just as close in relationship, but these words are reserved for more intimate, special occasion settings.

Once we have had the opportunity of reflecting on who we are and how we’ve been influenced, it is very important that we also discover who our children are and what have been the influences in their lives. Many times we relate to our children based on our illusions or expectations of them. We want to see in them the person we hoped for, not taking into account the person they really are. 

Our children live under the heaviness of this disappointment in addition to their own grief from losing their biological family.  In this hectic life it is worth it to stop and reflect on who each one of our children are, and most importantly, listen to them telling us who they are.

Where they are coming from.  What have they experienced?  What did their world look like and feel like before?  What was their neighborhood like? 

Growing our families through foster care or adoption will change our family culture.  I had the naïve idea when we entered this journey many years ago that I was bringing children into my culture and that they would adapt accordingly. 

I’m glad I was wrong, but the shift in mindset has rocked my world. I had to choose to step outside of my cultural norms, family traditions and even my natural personality traits, in a pursuit to provide a home where each person is taken into account and everyone makes a contribution to the whole.  My values have not changed, but many of my methods have. 

We are most successful when we make these adjustments as a whole family, rather than placing unrealistic expectations on our kids to do all of the changing.  Sometimes, due to traumatic past experiences or development delays, they simply cannot. 

We have to look for new and creative ways to satisfy our values and take into account their special circumstances.  The more flexible we can be, the less we risk breaking.

We have to look for new and creative ways to satisfy our values and take into account their special circumstances.  The more flexible we can be, the less risk of breaking.

Invisible Wounds by Kristin Orphan

Our society has a lot more grace for visible wounds and disabilities.

Last year, I had a bulging disc in my lower back. It was so painful. I lived with the pain every day. It dictated how I functioned. I tried to keep going and act like nothing was different, because I didn’t want it to keep me from doing what everyone else was doing.

Then, I realized it was only getting worse. The pain was impacting my mood and draining me of energy.

During this time, I was at the store, using the cart as support to get a little shopping done. I brought my things out to my car, gingerly unloaded and then limped the cart over to the curb, where I put the wheels up so it would not roll into any other cars.


I was in a lot of pain. I was fighting back my tears. As I carefully walked back to my car, I got a very dirty look from a lady who said to a friend loud enough for me to hear, “the cart corral is just over there, you’d think she could walk a few more steps and put it away in the right place.”


As they walked away, I was left feeling very embarrassed and ashamed. They could not see my injury. It was invisible to them, so there was no grace. I agree, I would have preferred to put the cart where it belonged, but I was doing the best I could.


The impact of trauma is invisible. A child who wears the physical characteristics of special needs is often treated with compassion and openness.


A child who wears their trauma through anti-social behavior is looked down upon and judged as “bad.”


As parents, it is our job to see the behaviors for what they are, survival skills and symptoms of an invisible wound that impacts our child’s ability to function in the world.


The work of helping a child heal is hard. When we can take a compassionate view and help our community to do the same, everyone benefits on this long journey to health.