The Sideline

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

Yesterday, I invited my youngest daughter to go bowling.  She said, “With who?”  I responded, “With me.”  She said, “Anyone else?”  I said, “No.”  I actually was quite entertained by that exchange, because I understand that we are in a new season of life with three teenagers and a “middle schooler” bringing up the rear.  Gone are the days when they want to be with just mommy.  One of my fondest memories of my now sixteen year-old son, is when he came home from his first day at kindergarten.  He plopped down on the couch looking exasperated.  I asked him how his first day of school went and he replied, “It was a lot of wook (work) and I just want to be with you mom.” Then, there was the time my now fifteen year old daughter said disgustedly of her siblings, “Why can’t it just be me and you, mom.”

Well, the tide has turned and now naturally, they are expanding their horizons.  Their friends are taking center stage and they are finding their own unique interests and passions.  Today, rather than letting my feelings get hurt or grieving over lost yesterdays, I’m choosing to celebrate.  I celebrate that my children know I am available to them.  I celebrate that I seized the moments when they wanted to play baseball on the lawn, restaurant in the playhouse or slide monster at the park.

The job looks different now, though nonetheless important.  While I do not go everywhere they go, they bring with them their values, wisdom and identity. By God’s grace, those are gifts my husband and I have given them.  So, I guess in a sense, I do go with them.  With all of their new experiences, we have plenty to talk about during those treasured moments when they ask for advice and share their struggles.

“So, my children go ahead and explore the world to your hearts’ content.  I’ll be right here when you need me.”

Gaining Ground

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

If you have ever seen someone skateboard in a half pipe, you know that they roll back and forth to pick up momentum and speed in order to make it to the edge.  With each pass, they go a little higher up the wall, until finally they reach the top.

This image reminds me of my kids’ growing up process, particularly, the ones who are healing from a traumatic past.  I used to let “back-slides” in behavior and habits discourage me.  After all, we had worked so hard to get to a certain point, only to watch the child regress.  I wondered if we would ever completely get past it.

As the years pass, I have started recognize a pattern.  While we do our share of “two steps forward and one step back,” we ARE moving forward!  When a goal is met or a hurt is overcome, even if we dip back a bit, the next time we work through the challenge, forward progress comes much easier.  It is almost like they are dipping their toes in the new territory and heading back to the comfort zone, before forging ahead for good.

When you feel discouraged by the season you are in, take some time to look back and see how far you’ve come.  Some day you and I will get to the top and oh, the celebratory flips we’ll do!!

The Middle

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

One of my new favorite shows is The Middle, starring Patricia Heaton.  It is so funny, because many of the family scenarios, while exaggerated, are very relatable.  Actually, in the case of my family, some of their scenes don’t seem quite so exaggerated as intended.  The show gets its name from the setting.  The Heck Family lives in small town Indiana, in the middle of our nation.

I grew up in Illinois, another middle state.  Some refer to these states as “fly over” states, because you fly over them to get where you actually want to go.  There’s no denying that the coasts and border-states offer a bit more excitement.  California and New York, for instance, would be considered traveler destinations.  Just the term destination sounds exciting; like you’ve finally arrived somewhere that matters.

As a forty two year old, I kind of feel like I’m in the middle of a lot of things.  I’m somewhere around the middle of my life, the middle of my parenting and the middle of my career.  While I consider all of life to be an adventure, I’m living the second chapter of adventures I started years ago.  For example, I got married 22 years ago, we started having kids almost 18 years ago and then began our adoption journey ten years ago.  I’m grateful that the roller coaster time seems to be behind us and now we are trying to faithfully walk out the second half of loving each other and raising our children well.  We have established some good foundations and now we have to live them consistently.

Beginnings and endings tend to be romanticized, but I’m starting to believe the real work is in the middle.  That’s where character is shown. There are often no cheering crowds, exciting leaps of faith or celebrations of a job well done in the middle.  The middle is where you stay the course and keep promises.  Heroes are made in the middle.

I’m always on the look out for new challenges, but the reality is that in order to leave the legacy I want to leave, I have to make sure I have the energy to continue to invest right here in the middle.

Transaction vs Transformation

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

I first heard the phrase, “transaction vs. transformation” when we hired a consultant to help us build the Finally Home Foundation support base.  It refers to the difference between a simple transaction and a life changing transformation.  For instance, when I buy a sandwich.  I give the clerk my money, she hands me a sandwich.  That is a transaction.  Transformation implies an investment that results in significant impact or change in someone’s life.  The bottom line difference is that transformation requires relational investment.

Lately I have been thinking of this concept in terms of my parenting.  When I am stressed out, I default to transactional parenting.  I cook, clean, do laundry, sign permission slips, attend doctor and dentist appointments and make sure everyone is well stocked with toiletries and the latest sports equipment.  This was especially true during the psychological crisis we went through when my daughters began remembering and acting out as a result of their traumatic pasts.  I went into fix-it mode and walked through every therapeutic activity the counselor recommended.  I was in survival mode. 

While there are seasons where the best we can do is get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other, it’s important for you and I to remember to engage our hearts in the transformational side of parenting.  For me, depending on the circumstances and the child’s personality, this comes more or less naturally.  It’s crucial, none-the-less.  As a matter of fact, most of the time, the harder it is to do the more important it is that I make the effort. 

My youngest daughter and I have been through some very hard things.  I was the target of her aggression during her trauma therapy.  Because of this, the therapist recommended I attend her sessions and participate in countless hours of exercises, play therapy and restorative cuddling.  She’s a walking miracle and by God’s grace and power, we have overcome.  However, while we are very close, I have to be careful not to let our relationship be too intense.  Transformational parenting with her means that we need times to have fun, be silly and share hobbies. 

Parenting is hard work and there’s a lot to DO and to BE in order to raise healthy kids.  Transformational parenting means something different for each of my four children.  I wonder what it looks like in your family.

Keep The Faith

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

I recently wrote a devotional about the many hardships that the apostle Paul experienced as a result of his obedience to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ.  He was beaten many times, jailed, ostracized, stoned, shipwrecked, cold and hungry just to name a few of his challenges.  He also alludes to a “thorn in the flesh” that some have suggested was a chronic illness and that he repeatedly asked God to remove, with no avail.  Even in the midst of all of these trials and unanswered prayers, he was confident that he was doing what God had commanded him to do.  You can read more about it in 2 Corinthians chapter 11.

Reading through his list of hardships caused me to consider my own false thoughts regarding God’s will.  I believe that we often look at results and perceived success to prove that we are on the right track, even knowing that the Christian life is full of paradoxes. (See Luke 17:33, Mark 10:44). It is no different with the call to fostering and adopting children who have experienced trauma.  The paradox we often find is that when we provide a healthy and loving home for abused children, it is then that they begin to feel safe enough to act out their emotional distress.  Their behavior gets much worse before it improves and the people they feel the most acceptance from, get the lion’s share of their anger.  The further in, the more backwards and upside down everything begins to feel.  Perhaps the most difficult in all of this is that even when given a chance, some children never heal this side of heaven.

For these reasons and many more, it is unwise to judge one’s calling based on outward results or circumstances.  A friend put it best when she said, “My son may very well end up in jail, but he will be in jail with a family on the outside who loves him.”  We don’t know what paths are children will choose or how long the road to healing will be.  There is no perfect prescription or one size fits all solution for the complex issues orphans face. But, when each individual hears God’s voice and says, “Yes” to that which he has asked, then we can say as Paul did, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished my race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:17.