Helping Teachers Understand Your Kids

Written by Jen Hatmaker
Guest Blogger
Find out more about Jen's ministry at http://jenhatmaker.com/.

Hey parents of our adopted loveys...just a suggestion at the beginning of school. I always make sure our teachers not only know our kids' basic history but also some potential blind spots on assignments and projects that have unintentionally caused our kids a lot of grief. No one is a better educator on handling adopted kids with care than we are. Teachers are fabulous and wonderful and they care about our kids too; they have been our best partners as we raise our children. Invaluable. This is an excerpt of an email I sent Ben and Remy's teachers - maybe a good heads-up for your kids' teachers as well:

"The one thing I'd like to put on your radar is this: Please be sensitive with any assignments that have to do with family tree or heritage or "life stories" or even worse, "birth stories." Remy's story looks nothing like her classmates, and her entire childhood was marked by trauma. When other kids get to happily recount their early years, it is so painful for her. If you could give me a heads-up on any projects that deal with her history or family history, I would so appreciate it. It's hard to be black in a white family, it's hard to be adopted when most kids are biological, it's hard to be Ethiopian when most kids are American... We instill much pride in her for her country and heritage, but we try to not blindside her when she is not ready. We never want her to feel "other" or "lesser," and sometimes school projects unintentionally alienate kids like Remy (Ben once had to interview a grandparent for "family heritage" including family traditions and personal history and funny memories...it was fairly devastating since he has no biological grandparent to tell him of Ethiopia, his true culture.)

Thank you for keeping her history in the back of your mind. Because she is so delightful and darling, it is easy to forget that she came to us just three years ago from immense loss. We just want to treat her history with such care. I appreciate you so much in advance! I have enormous love for teachers, especially the ones who love my kids."

The Sideline

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

Yesterday, I invited my youngest daughter to go bowling.  She said, “With who?”  I responded, “With me.”  She said, “Anyone else?”  I said, “No.”  I actually was quite entertained by that exchange, because I understand that we are in a new season of life with three teenagers and a “middle schooler” bringing up the rear.  Gone are the days when they want to be with just mommy.  One of my fondest memories of my now sixteen year-old son, is when he came home from his first day at kindergarten.  He plopped down on the couch looking exasperated.  I asked him how his first day of school went and he replied, “It was a lot of wook (work) and I just want to be with you mom.” Then, there was the time my now fifteen year old daughter said disgustedly of her siblings, “Why can’t it just be me and you, mom.”

Well, the tide has turned and now naturally, they are expanding their horizons.  Their friends are taking center stage and they are finding their own unique interests and passions.  Today, rather than letting my feelings get hurt or grieving over lost yesterdays, I’m choosing to celebrate.  I celebrate that my children know I am available to them.  I celebrate that I seized the moments when they wanted to play baseball on the lawn, restaurant in the playhouse or slide monster at the park.

The job looks different now, though nonetheless important.  While I do not go everywhere they go, they bring with them their values, wisdom and identity. By God’s grace, those are gifts my husband and I have given them.  So, I guess in a sense, I do go with them.  With all of their new experiences, we have plenty to talk about during those treasured moments when they ask for advice and share their struggles.

“So, my children go ahead and explore the world to your hearts’ content.  I’ll be right here when you need me.”

Gaining Ground

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

If you have ever seen someone skateboard in a half pipe, you know that they roll back and forth to pick up momentum and speed in order to make it to the edge.  With each pass, they go a little higher up the wall, until finally they reach the top.

This image reminds me of my kids’ growing up process, particularly, the ones who are healing from a traumatic past.  I used to let “back-slides” in behavior and habits discourage me.  After all, we had worked so hard to get to a certain point, only to watch the child regress.  I wondered if we would ever completely get past it.

As the years pass, I have started recognize a pattern.  While we do our share of “two steps forward and one step back,” we ARE moving forward!  When a goal is met or a hurt is overcome, even if we dip back a bit, the next time we work through the challenge, forward progress comes much easier.  It is almost like they are dipping their toes in the new territory and heading back to the comfort zone, before forging ahead for good.

When you feel discouraged by the season you are in, take some time to look back and see how far you’ve come.  Some day you and I will get to the top and oh, the celebratory flips we’ll do!!

The Middle

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

One of my new favorite shows is The Middle, starring Patricia Heaton.  It is so funny, because many of the family scenarios, while exaggerated, are very relatable.  Actually, in the case of my family, some of their scenes don’t seem quite so exaggerated as intended.  The show gets its name from the setting.  The Heck Family lives in small town Indiana, in the middle of our nation.

I grew up in Illinois, another middle state.  Some refer to these states as “fly over” states, because you fly over them to get where you actually want to go.  There’s no denying that the coasts and border-states offer a bit more excitement.  California and New York, for instance, would be considered traveler destinations.  Just the term destination sounds exciting; like you’ve finally arrived somewhere that matters.

As a forty two year old, I kind of feel like I’m in the middle of a lot of things.  I’m somewhere around the middle of my life, the middle of my parenting and the middle of my career.  While I consider all of life to be an adventure, I’m living the second chapter of adventures I started years ago.  For example, I got married 22 years ago, we started having kids almost 18 years ago and then began our adoption journey ten years ago.  I’m grateful that the roller coaster time seems to be behind us and now we are trying to faithfully walk out the second half of loving each other and raising our children well.  We have established some good foundations and now we have to live them consistently.

Beginnings and endings tend to be romanticized, but I’m starting to believe the real work is in the middle.  That’s where character is shown. There are often no cheering crowds, exciting leaps of faith or celebrations of a job well done in the middle.  The middle is where you stay the course and keep promises.  Heroes are made in the middle.

I’m always on the look out for new challenges, but the reality is that in order to leave the legacy I want to leave, I have to make sure I have the energy to continue to invest right here in the middle.

Transaction vs Transformation

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

I first heard the phrase, “transaction vs. transformation” when we hired a consultant to help us build the Finally Home Foundation support base.  It refers to the difference between a simple transaction and a life changing transformation.  For instance, when I buy a sandwich.  I give the clerk my money, she hands me a sandwich.  That is a transaction.  Transformation implies an investment that results in significant impact or change in someone’s life.  The bottom line difference is that transformation requires relational investment.

Lately I have been thinking of this concept in terms of my parenting.  When I am stressed out, I default to transactional parenting.  I cook, clean, do laundry, sign permission slips, attend doctor and dentist appointments and make sure everyone is well stocked with toiletries and the latest sports equipment.  This was especially true during the psychological crisis we went through when my daughters began remembering and acting out as a result of their traumatic pasts.  I went into fix-it mode and walked through every therapeutic activity the counselor recommended.  I was in survival mode. 

While there are seasons where the best we can do is get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other, it’s important for you and I to remember to engage our hearts in the transformational side of parenting.  For me, depending on the circumstances and the child’s personality, this comes more or less naturally.  It’s crucial, none-the-less.  As a matter of fact, most of the time, the harder it is to do the more important it is that I make the effort. 

My youngest daughter and I have been through some very hard things.  I was the target of her aggression during her trauma therapy.  Because of this, the therapist recommended I attend her sessions and participate in countless hours of exercises, play therapy and restorative cuddling.  She’s a walking miracle and by God’s grace and power, we have overcome.  However, while we are very close, I have to be careful not to let our relationship be too intense.  Transformational parenting with her means that we need times to have fun, be silly and share hobbies. 

Parenting is hard work and there’s a lot to DO and to BE in order to raise healthy kids.  Transformational parenting means something different for each of my four children.  I wonder what it looks like in your family.

Keep The Faith

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

I recently wrote a devotional about the many hardships that the apostle Paul experienced as a result of his obedience to spread the gospel of Jesus Christ.  He was beaten many times, jailed, ostracized, stoned, shipwrecked, cold and hungry just to name a few of his challenges.  He also alludes to a “thorn in the flesh” that some have suggested was a chronic illness and that he repeatedly asked God to remove, with no avail.  Even in the midst of all of these trials and unanswered prayers, he was confident that he was doing what God had commanded him to do.  You can read more about it in 2 Corinthians chapter 11.

Reading through his list of hardships caused me to consider my own false thoughts regarding God’s will.  I believe that we often look at results and perceived success to prove that we are on the right track, even knowing that the Christian life is full of paradoxes. (See Luke 17:33, Mark 10:44). It is no different with the call to fostering and adopting children who have experienced trauma.  The paradox we often find is that when we provide a healthy and loving home for abused children, it is then that they begin to feel safe enough to act out their emotional distress.  Their behavior gets much worse before it improves and the people they feel the most acceptance from, get the lion’s share of their anger.  The further in, the more backwards and upside down everything begins to feel.  Perhaps the most difficult in all of this is that even when given a chance, some children never heal this side of heaven.

For these reasons and many more, it is unwise to judge one’s calling based on outward results or circumstances.  A friend put it best when she said, “My son may very well end up in jail, but he will be in jail with a family on the outside who loves him.”  We don’t know what paths are children will choose or how long the road to healing will be.  There is no perfect prescription or one size fits all solution for the complex issues orphans face. But, when each individual hears God’s voice and says, “Yes” to that which he has asked, then we can say as Paul did, “I have fought the good fight, I have finished my race, I have kept the faith.” 2 Timothy 4:17.

Orphan Care- A New Language

Written by Brooke Miller

FHF Regional Director in Southern California
brooke@finallyhomefoundation.net

Speaking the language of loving the Fatherless feels like the most difficult and most natural language to learn. Here’s what I mean: “speaking orphan care” can require the most out of you and be brutally difficult. But also, every person I meet who “speaks orphan care” also speaks of learning about their deepest, truest selves, their most real selves, and the God who loves them.

I think it’s because God Himself speaks orphan care as His first language. So what starts as a ‘foreign language’ to us quickly becomes more and more natural as we draw closer to the Father-Heart of God. He’s the only one who is truly fluent.

I think God is teaching His children this language. It’s sweeping nation after nation. It’s an ancient message filling ancient texts, speaking an ancient truth, and yet revealing itself in new ways here and now.

See, in the deepest mysteries of Scripture is the fact that we are all adoptees. Orphans called into the family of God. God is the first adoptive Father, with only one firstborn Son (Jesus), with whom we are called ‘equal heirs’. The parallels are breathtaking – beginning with the fact that an Adoptive Father’s quest starts long before the adopted child is aware of Him.

All our words and works within Orphan Care are merely echoes of He who spoke it first.

And so as we practice, as we speak, as we learn the nuances of this new language and find refreshment among those who speak it too, it’s like finding a part of your heritage.

Picture Perfect

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

I’m sitting at my computer staring at the screen saver.  It is a picture of my family.  We are all smiling, wearing matching clothes and the scenery is beautiful.  My kind of day!  Today’s reality is quite a bit different. Two of the smiling children from the picture are downstairs yelling at each other.   Ironically, in between poses, there was quite a bit of bickering on picture day, too.  That’s life, I suppose. I have a whole row of family pictures throughout the years.  My favorite is the first one we took when our daughters joined our family through adoption.  I love to look at all the pictures and see how much everyone has changed and how far we’ve come as a family.  The pictures are like markers on a timeline. There’s so much of the story that happens in between.  Some memories are painful and there’s a lot of hard work involved getting to the next marker.  But, it doesn’t keep me from treasuring those moments when everyone laughs at a shared family joke.  Or, like last week, when my three teenagers got up early on their first day of summer to attend their little sister’s fifth grade graduation.  It was an hour and a half ceremony!  And yet, they perked up from their teenage stupor when their sister’s name was called and clapped loudly.  Yes, we have our moments and as my grandma used to say, “we sure do clean up well.”

Summer Time

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

Ahh, it’s summer time.  For many of us, it’s a break from early mornings and homework fights. It’s a time to savor the warm weather and more family together time.  I really enjoy summer and yet, there are some challenges as well. My kids are all very different.  Some love to stay busy, others would rather sit on the couch and watch T.V.

While we spend much of our time chasing down the social schedule of one, we have to emphasize the importance of making plans with friends with another, so she doesn’t spend all her time alone.

My challenge is to find a balance between giving them a much needed break after working hard throughout the school year AND supporting them to build healthy habits.

Our family values (or what we define as healthy habits) include plenty of physical exercise, time with good friends, working to help the household and time out of town for serving and fun.   Each child requires different kinds of communication and accountability to reach those goals.

I pray for discernment and creativity as I carefully navigate this challenge with each one of my kids.  I try to find ways to build on their strengths and encourage their natural talents.  One loves sports, another is very gifted working with animals.  When I get stuck, I ask for advice from trusted friends.  You never know, someone very close to you just may have the answer you need to make the most of this celebrated season.

Sometimes I Forget To Eat

Written by Brooke Miller
FHF Regional Director in Southern California
brooke@finallyhomefoundation.net

Sometimes I forget to eat.  It’s not that I don’t like to eat.  I love food.  I mean, really, love it.  But the day starts, then keeps going. A phone call here, an email there, and a bunch of just-need-to-get-this-one-thing-done moments. You know, like checking my Facebook status and making sure I haven’t missed anything new on Instagram.  Important Things.

I don’t just love food itself.  I love the experience of food.  I am not a fancy cook and my taste buds aren’t overly cultured, but my favorite food is one I get to enjoy. I hate eating on the go. No time to savor. I have a pre-planned “last bite” with every meal: the bite to end all bites. The grand finale. The taste that the rest of the meal has been working up towards. Even if the meal is a bean and cheese burrito, I strategize to make sure that the last bite has just the right blend of bean, cheese, and tortilla. I’m not making this up.

So sometimes I forget to eat. Or better said, I keep pushing it back because the setting isn’t ideal. Because I don’t have room to savor. There are days that I end up not eating at all until dinner. And everyone knows what a hungry woman is like. I get cranky, and fidgety, and annoyed. I have no margin. Forget savoring, the carnivore must be fed.

My husband gets after me about this, mainly because he is the one the monster lashes out at in moments of extreme hunger he loves me and wants me to be my healthiest best. He believes in preventive plans of attack: He tells co-workers to make sure I take a lunch break, and will regularly text to see if I remembered breakfast. Also not something I’m making up. I’ve gotten better. Truly.

Funny that someone can love food so much but still forget to eat it.

But then, sometimes I forget to feed my soul, too. I love Jesus. I love His Word. I love His creation. But I often wait for ideal moments to sit down and savor, and if that ideal setting isn’t available, sometimes I don’t “eat.” I forget how much it matters to be still. I forget how much it matters to read Ancient Scripture and be surprised at just how alive it is. I forget how much it matters to write and process in my journal. I forget how much it matters to get outside for fresh air and fun.

When I forget, I get cranky and lethargic and altogether restless. It’s my soul’s way of saying “I’m hungry, feed me.”

Do you ever forget to eat? To take care of your physical and spiritual needs because someone else’s needs beat you to it?

At CAFO2014 (www.cafo.org), Dr. Karyn Purvis of TCU (www.tcu.edu) taught a session on nutrition and what a significant impact it has on children from, as she says, “hard places”. Many of you are caring for a child from a hard place right this moment. And for many of you, it’s pushing you right into your own hard place. And you need healthy food just as much as they do.

Our physical and spiritual nutrition have such a drastic impact on us because we are wired for food – good, healthy, soul-enriching food. And I mean both the physical apple and the spiritual apple.

So today is a simple question: what does your body need to eat? And what food does your soul need?

*For more resources on nutrition related to adoption or foster care, please visit adoptionnutrition.org, adoptionlearningpartners.org “Snack, Play, Love”, and empoweredtoconnect.org “Disarming Fear”

Lessons from the Incline

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

Part 2 – Camaraderie

Last week, I told you that my husband and I went to beautiful Colorado Springs to hike The Manitou Springs Incline.

It took us just over an hour to get to the top and then another hour to wind our way back down the mountain.  We had no idea what we were getting into until we started heading up the trail.  We thought it was a simple hike to a beautiful view, so my husband wore jeans and we ate a big lunch right before we left.  We had been misinformed regarding the length and difficulty, but despite our lack of preparation, we were determined to reach the summit.

As we worked our way to the top, we began to have conversations with other people on the journey.  Since it was our first time, I wanted to know how much farther I had to go, so I asked the people coming down what I should expect.  We shared tips and empathized with one another on the difficulty.  Veterans of the extreme hike said, “good job,” as they trotted past us. When we encountered people who were struggling, we encouraged them to keep going and not give up. After all, it was a victory for all of us when one succeeded.  It was a good indication that we might make it as well.

When you share a common struggle or goal with others, there’s an immediate bond.  Relationships with people in a similar circumstance help us know we are not alone in our challenges and hurts.

It’s the same with foster and adoptive families.  So many of us feel like no one understands what we are going through.  But, as I said, there are SO MANY of us.  Look around.  Seek relationships with people who are ahead of you, beside you and behind you in this special calling.  You will find mentors, friends and those you can encourage to stay the course until they reach the summit.

Lessons from the Incline

Written by Kristin Orphan,

FHF Founder and Director

kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net

Part 1 – An Extreme Hike

Last week, my husband and I took a rare chance to get away overnight.  We went to beautiful Colorado Springs.  Some friends who grew up there, made restaurant and entertainment suggestions at our request.  One of their recommendations included an “extreme hike” known by locals as simply, “The Incline.”  Here are some fun facts from Wikipedia:

The Manitou Springs Incline, also known as the Manitou Incline or simply the Incline, is a popular hiking trail rising above Manitou Springs, CO Colorado Springs. The trail is the remains of a former 3 ft narrow gauge funicular railway whose tracks washed out during a rockslide in 1990. The Incline is famous for its sweeping views and steep grade, as steep as 68% in places, making it a fitness challenge for locals in the Colorado Springs area. The incline gains over 2,000 feet (610 m) of elevation in less than one mile.

That last statement about gaining over 2,000 feet of elevation in a ridiculously short amount of time reminded us of our adoption journey.  I’m typing this with a smile, knowing that there are foster and adoptive parents out there who know exactly how the intensity of life can ramp up quickly and unexpectedly.

When we reached the entrance of the Incline, there was a sign that said, “This is an extreme hike.”  Having completed the trek, I would have to agree with that statement.  On the way up, we encountered people of all ages and fitness levels. But, no one was taking this lightly.  It was a strenuous effort for every person.

The hike looked nearly impossible when we allowed ourselves to focus on how far we had to go to reach the summit.  However, when we chose a realistic goal, like the next evergreen tree or the black pipe sticking out, we found that we could keep going.  It felt good to accomplish the smaller goals on our way to the biggie.  As we wore down, we realized that if we stopped for 45-60 seconds to let our heart rate slow and take a sip of water, we would miraculously have the energy to reach our next landmark goal.

In the same way, I have learned that while parenting children who have been through trauma, it is very important to take a lot of breaks and to celebrate the small victories on your way to the summit.  It’s breathtaking to look back and celebrate the sum of all those small victories that add up to one amazing view!