Written by Kristin Orphan,
kristin@finallyhomefoundation.net
I first heard the phrase, “transaction vs. transformation”
when we hired a consultant to help us build the Finally Home Foundation support
base. It refers to the difference
between a simple transaction and a life changing transformation. For instance, when I buy a sandwich. I give the clerk my money, she hands me a
sandwich. That is a transaction. Transformation implies an investment that
results in significant impact or change in someone’s life. The bottom line difference is that transformation
requires relational investment.
Lately I have been thinking of this concept in terms of my
parenting. When I am stressed out, I
default to transactional parenting. I
cook, clean, do laundry, sign permission slips, attend doctor and dentist
appointments and make sure everyone is well stocked with toiletries and the latest
sports equipment. This was especially
true during the psychological crisis we went through when my daughters began
remembering and acting out as a result of their traumatic pasts. I went into fix-it mode and walked through
every therapeutic activity the counselor recommended. I was in survival mode.
While there are seasons where the best we can do is get up
in the morning and put one foot in front of the other, it’s important for you
and I to remember to engage our hearts in the transformational side of
parenting. For me, depending on the
circumstances and the child’s personality, this comes more or less
naturally. It’s crucial, none-the-less. As a matter of fact, most of the time, the
harder it is to do the more important it is that I make the effort.
My youngest daughter and I have been through some very hard
things. I was the target of her
aggression during her trauma therapy.
Because of this, the therapist recommended I attend her sessions and
participate in countless hours of exercises, play therapy and restorative
cuddling. She’s a walking miracle and by
God’s grace and power, we have overcome.
However, while we are very close, I have to be careful not to let our
relationship be too intense.
Transformational parenting with her means that we need times to have
fun, be silly and share hobbies.
Parenting is hard work and there’s a lot to DO and to BE in
order to raise healthy kids. Transformational
parenting means something different for each of my four children. I wonder what it looks like in your family.
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